Tired. I am soooo tired. And I have not even gone out last weekend, no no I was a good girl. I met friends for coffee and tea in the afternoon, and had some wonderfully delicious madeleines … picture proof attached here.
Apart from that I got caught up reading Marc Levy’s “Un sentiment plus fort que la peur” (A feeling stronger than fear), a fantastic polit-thriller. I got through the 420 or so pages in just two days, evidence that I just utterly love reading and am a real bookworm. Oh you might wonder what feeling is stronger than fear … it is courage, but this is as much of the book I am going to reveal (the warrior of me is making a mental note of this – Courage is Stronger than Fear).
But back to Day 5 of radiotherapy– so I slept most of today, for which I hated myself because it meant I could not get a lot of work done. That just makes me feel crap, but on the other hand, the possible fatigue caused by the radiotherapy, was the reason due to which I asked to be able to work from home, so I could lay down whenever I needed. However it still makes me feel guilty – guilty for not working enough. I am doing my best, but I am considering maybe just taking a few more days off as a holiday this week, to get some more rest and feel less beaten up about my work. I had hoped that today’s playlist would sheer me up a bit, but alas not really….
Outward Journey: Tim Buckley – Goodbye and Hello
Return Journey: Jon Lord– Pictured Within
Tim Buckley’s Goodbye and Hello really got me irritated, at first it sounded really depressing, and the structure of the song is really weird …. Quiet phases followed by really upbeat ones, so you think the song comes to an end, but then it continues, and this is repeated several times. This might be artistic, but did not work for me. The song is also really long, 8 minutes, for me it was a bit of a pain listening to it for the full length, the song just made me really jumpy. I felt unsettled and confused. I try and listen to the lyrics, but really struggled to find out what the song was all about. “Miss Baker”, I thought, “What were you thinking suggesting that song to me?” I got into the taxi in a bit of a grumpy mood, because if I have a good song I keep listening to it over and over again, and I just could not do it with this one.
However, for one reason or another, I don’t know why, I had packed a book to read on the journey (even though I normally would not read in the car and there is hardly any time to do so in the hospital). Miss Baker had given me Caitlin Moran’s “How to Be a Woman” as a birthday present, and gosh she did redeem herself with that!! I was hooked straight away. It is part memoir, part rant about questions modern 21st century women might ask themselves. Oh yes and there is a lot of talk about sex, the female body and feminism. Utterly brilliant! It is funny, witty, and makes me chuckle on the inside and think “Oh yeah, I have been wondering about this or that”. It is just mind-blowing, so easy to read, a real treat. Thank you Miss Baker!!!! I was so glad to have that book with me as there were delays in the hospital today, I had to wait nearly an hour before I was called for my treatment (one laser had stopped, there were more patients, and some of patients’ drawings had been rubbed off so they needed to be drawn on again) so I was glad to be able to distract myself while reading. I was so absorbed in the book that I did not even listen to my return journey song until I was back home …
I seem to have had the pick of the “long” songs today, Jon Lord’s Pictured Within is over 5 minutes long, and it is a bit sad, makes me want to cry and that is something I am trying to avoid. Well, I am not really good with that resolution at the moment, at night the tears are back, and lately I have been crying myself to sleep…. Thinking of it, a holiday might not be such a bad idea….
Oh and on a really random note, if any girl or woman has been wondering where all the good looking young men are hiding in this country, I have got the answer – they are all medical technical assistants working at the national radiology centre. Just saying … and if you think now that I am shamelessly flirting with them, you are dead wrong… I am just too self-conscious lying bare-chested under the laser proton accelerator, I mean it would be a bit awkward asking for their numbers then, right? I wonder what Caitlin Moran would have to say on this? A tiny voice in my head keeps saying that she would probably tell me to be a feminist and to write more about dating, relationship, sex and cancer from a young woman’s perspective….Hmmm…. Food for thought….